For the love of God
by victoriakay
Summary: After the war, Tanya von Degurechaff overcomes the trials of being a teenager so successfully she makes Being X regret ever having created her.


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_Stop staring_, Colonel Tanya von Degurechaff instructed herself, forcefully dragging her eyes away from her former adjutant. She'd caught Captain Serebryakov in the middle of her morning exercises, on a hot August day performed without her jacket covering her. She'd filled out to her full potential after the war had ended, which meant Tanya had witnessed a copious amount of...bouncing.

Two years' worth of a healthy lifestyle had apparently engendered some changes in Tanya as well. At sixteen, the worst had finally happened: puberty had caught up to her.

She made herself walk away from the window in her second-floor office so that temptation wouldn't overcome her again.

Finally, she had a career she could feel enthused about again. She'd been on the verge of leaving service when she'd been offered a position in the Personnel Department, along with a hefty raise. A job in the military wasn't so different than one in private industry so long as she was pushing papers around all day. And she was even doing what she was good at again. Everything was in perfect harmony.

The last - the _absolute _last - thing she would do would be to ruin her upwards march through the ranks by letting sordid rumors get attached to her name. Office relationships were nothing but a headache. She'd thankfully managed to steer clear of dealing with those in her time in HR. It might even be called abuse of position if you looked at their ranks. And that was without getting into the issue of whether she'd be unlucky enough to have superiors who frowned at the idea of people with differing tastes.

Tanya sighed, drumming her fingers on her desk. Before this problem got any worse, she'd have to figure out how to deal with it. If her last life was any guide, she'd suffer through a few years of hormones threatening her rational decision-making, and then they'd fade into the background. The important thing was to see herself through that period without doing anything stupid.

With a grin, her mind landed on a perfect solution. She'd been letting a certain someone off the hook recently. With her life going so well, she hadn't had reason to curse Being X in a good long while. You could say it would be like killing two birds with one stone. She'd get her hatred of that self-important devil back to the proper level, and the anger would displace any prurient thoughts long enough for them to pass.

It wasn't long before she needed to test that theory. Coffee in hand, Visha entered her office with the typical morning delivery not more than thirty minutes later. Her hair had been freshly washed in the shower-room that had recently been installed in a back corner of the office, and the thought of Visha, undressed and in the same building..._Being X, Being X, Being X's stupid fucking face._

It worked. An upswell of rage that had Tanya fighting to conceal a frown lest her friend think she'd brewed the coffee poorly, and the thought of anything inappropriate was banished from her brain. Although, the violent images that replaced it could be considered adult in nature as well, in their own way.

The strategy proved just as effective when Tanya was introduced to Visha's friend Elya, who'd just returned from an eighteen-month stint in Parisee collecting intelligence. Visha might have filled out, but she'd filled out a naturally slim frame. There was nothing slim about Elya, unless you wanted to count her waistline.

It seemed that genetics had doomed Tanya to a lifetime of being small, so even when she'd hit her growth spurt, it had never taken her above a hundred and fifty centimeters in height. That meant that Elya was tall enough to rest her chin on the top of Tanya's head. That also meant, when Elya gave her a hug that was most certainly _not _part of the protocol between members of the Imperial Army when greeting each other, certain outstanding features of Elya's were pressed directly into her face.

_Being X, _she thought as she breathed in, trying not to move her hands that so _so _badly wanted to touch the soft, enticing pillows crushed against her cheek. _Being X with that dumb, superior smirk on his stupid fucking face. _And suddenly, her wayward hands were clenched into fists so tightly her fingernails cut into her skin.

The next trial involved Elya as well. Visha had insisted that the three girls spend Christmas together, and had invited both to her apartment.

Champagne was drunk. And then wine. And then a Christmas punch. Tanya didn't particularly enjoy celebrating anything religious in nature, but neither church attendance nor a retelling of the story of Jesus had been involved in the evening, so she was perfectly happy to have an excuse to eat, drink, and be merry. And maybe get some presents too. She'd never gotten into the habit of spending an excessive amount of money on herself, but, well, if someone _else _wanted to spend it on her, she wasn't going to complain.

The night hadn't gone so badly until it was time to put on pajamas. Visha's apartment was a touch cool, so even though her friend was wearing a modest and all-covering nightgown, it was impossible to miss the two points that showed through. _Impossible. _It wasn't Tanya's fault that her eyes landed there.

_Being X, _Tanya gulped, through the haze of too much alcohol. If she wasn't careful, she would say something stupid. Like mention that Visha looked a little chilly. _Being X and his massive fucking ego. _

_Yeah, _she thought to herself with satisfaction. Now the only points she had on her mind were the points of the knives she planned on stabbing him with, if she ever figured out how to access his realm without his permission.

That was, until Elya came out.

"A-a-aren't you cold?" Tanya stuttered, in total disbelief.

Far more of Elya was uncovered than covered. Strings and bows tightly held the lace against her skin, and even then her outfit seemed like it was threatening a wardrobe malfunction every time she moved. She'd been amused by that term in her past life, when she'd heard it circulate through the American media that made its way over to Japan. She was _not _amused by how it was making her feel now.

_Besides cold, isn't that uncomfortable? _Tanya wondered, marveling over the lengths that women went to for the sake of appearing pretty. There was no way that sleeping in _that _was more pleasant than the loose pants and too-big shirt that Tanya wore herself.

"Well, I usually sleep naked, so this was all I had," Elya shrugged, pouring herself another glass of wine.

_Being X, _Tanya thought, feeling the blood rush out of her head and putting a hand on a counter to steady herself before she passed out. _Being X and his complete ignorance of the virtues of privacy. _He was probably laughing at her right now, watching her as she struggled. That was enough for her to regain her strength and power through the rest of the evening.

"We can all fit in my bed, I think," Visha said sleepily, an hour later.

"I-I'm fine on the couch," Tanya said weakly.

"Nonsense. I know you get anemic. You can take the middle so we keep you warm."

_Being X_, Tanya thought, wanting to cry at the agony of legs intertwining with hers as the other women drifted soundly off to sleep. _Being X and his complete disregard for individual freedom. _It worked well enough to keep her hands from wandering. But not well enough to let her sleep.

_Oh, for the love of-_Tanya stopped herself, forcing her legs to remain still and not flee in horror. Her torment at the hands of her attractive friends were apparently only just beginning.

Lieutenant Colonel Weiss now led the 203rd Aerial Mage Battalion. But Tanya would always and forever be their commander emeritus, so when each year brought one or two new faces into the group, she gave them a lesson on what it meant to truly be elite.

Tired and sweaty on a balmy late afternoon in June, her old battalion thought nothing of it when they stripped off shirts to splash themselves with cold water. They'd done it in front of her a hundred times before.

But this marked the first time she'd ever had any reaction, good or bad, to it. It wasn't like she'd never seen a man half-dressed in her previous life. Japan _was _famous for its bathhouses. The sight had never offended her, so she'd never reprimanded her men for being so lax in the presence of a lady. She wasn't much of a lady in any case.

As warmth pooled in her gut at the sight of her broad-shouldered, well-muscled second-in-command fanning himself off, Tanya screamed invectives at the entity who'd placed her in this body that had its own mind about what it didn't and didn't like. He'd probably made her this way for the express purpose of tormenting her. _Being X, _she repeated, hoping to kill every sensation she was feeling besides the purest form of hatred imaginable. _Being X and his shitty fucking plots._

She turned her head the other direction, hoping to have something else to distract her. If her new body liked that type of physique, she'd just have to look at someone who was the opposite. Someone who, like her, had never grown big and broad and tall.

_Him too!? _Tanya cried, the smile and wave that Captain Grantz gave her causing roughly the same reaction. _What's with this indiscriminate interest?  
_

No, she'd been foolish. In her past life, she'd gone through the same sort of thing. When any woman, within certain very wide margins, would have been acceptable.

If there was one person she'd have to stay away from, it was Brigadier General von Lehrgen. That adjutant of his, the one who could make puppy-dog eyes even better than Visha's, the one who followed his superior around so closely it made Tanya wonder if there wasn't something else going on between them, he would be deadly. She had no desire to join the other women in the office who sighed in longing every time he went past.

She couldn't avoid her friend forever, though, so she'd have to have some ammunition prepared. She couldn't go into an encounter like that without having strategized over which qualities of Being X she was going to throw up as a mental block, or else she might lose her train of thought.

It worked. It _all _worked. It took longer than she expected, but celebrating her thirtieth birthday, no second world war in sight, Tanya could look each and every friend in the eye, or, for the record, at any other body part, without feeling the need to fall back on her last resort. Smooth sailing and good times awaited. The last speed bump had been successfully dealt with, and the free, single life was hers.

_I should have known it wouldn't be that easy, _Tanya lamented, as time paused itself momentarily just as a bottle of champagne was uncorked. A second later, she found herself in a familiar place.

"My child, will you never learn?" Being X asked sternly.

Tanya opened her mouth to reply, but what came out was nothing more than a squeak, as confusion, the result of another unwanted feeling, flooded her. _No, _she thought. _No, this CAN'T be happening. _

"If you persist in your foolish atheism, I'll have to…to..." Being X drifted off, a look of profound disturbance marring his face, the same look that Tanya imagined was on her own.

_This is so embarrassing_, she thought. _I want to die. _He could read minds, which meant he knew. He knew. He knew the shameful, awful truth.

Her strategy, fate would have it, had backfired. And rather spectacularly. _I'm going to motherfucking murder Pavlov, _she whimpered to herself. Even if it wasn't his fault, he was guilty by association.

Year after year, she'd affixed Being X's face firmly in her mind whenever she felt the itch. _When you think about it, anger is just another form of arousal, _she cried, in the confines of her mind, refusing to admit anything out loud, though she knew the idiot thing in front of her could hear her all the same. The feeling of desire had become so firmly intertwined with the face of Being X in her mind that...she couldn't say it. She couldn't even think it.

"You…" Being X began slowly, apparently just as lost for words as she was "This...this blasphemy goes beyond all...Truly, you are lost beyond all hope of salvation."

"Please," Tanya gasped out, ready to do whatever he asked. She'd pray to him as God ten times a day if it excised this disturbing sensation from her. "Please make it go away."

"Tanya von Degurechaff must be scrubbed from existence," he declared, standing up like he was about to do something momentous.

_That's fine, _she thought. _Anything is better than this._

xXx

Shimura Suguru didn't remember much in between being pushed off the train tracks and waking up in a hospital bed. He must have passed out. A typical reaction to a near-death experience.

He had a minor concussion from where he'd hit his head, but aside from that, it was all bruises and scratches. No serious harm done. He had the curious sensation that he was forgetting something, and something important, but that was probably just an after-effect of shock and trauma.

He'd almost died on Friday, was discharged from the hospital on Saturday, and spent Sunday at the police station.

Forgiveness wasn't really in his nature, so even though he'd survived the experience, when he gave his report to the police, he made sure to describe in meticulous detail each of his would-be murderer's failings.

On Monday, he arrived for work promptly at seven in the morning. He probably could have begged a few days off, but he'd been in the middle of a major restructuring project. He didn't have time to idle around at home for no reason.

It was almost April by the time that was wrapped up and the bonus for delivering results so quickly was in his bank account.

By then, that American friend of his from college had sent a card for Easter, a follow-up to the one he'd sent a few months ago for Christmas. Brian's devout faith had always bemused Suguru, but the other man didn't bring it up in conversation, so it had never put a damper on their correspondence. And anyway, one didn't simply cut off contact with a managing director at a large American bank.

_Come to think of it, _Suguru thought, opening the envelope as he went, _I think the Christmas card is still lying around. _It didn't take long to find in an apartment devoid of extraneous possessions. Out of courtesy, he opened it a second time before he threw it away, looking at the image of a manger scene overlooked by a smiling God printed in almost cartoonishly bright colors on the front.

Carefully, he placed it in the burnable garbage, stuffing it down as far as it would go. Immediately afterwards, he walked to his bathroom.

Standing in an ice-cold shower, he contemplated how he should formulate the Google search that he'd need to make in a few minutes. _Side effects of concussions. Post-traumatic stress disorder. Changes in brain chemistry after near-death experiences._

There was an important question he needed answered, one that he had no way of answering for himself.

_Why did I get turned on by that old man?_


End file.
